If you can't win an argument, correct their grammar.


If we're good friends, there's an 80% chance I've texted you mid-poop.


"If you fall, I'll be there." -The Floor


Quick, pretend you're sleeping! Never gets old.


I can't believe it's 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.


The biggest lie I tell myself is: "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."


My worst fear is looking out my window at night and seeing a face.


What starts with P and ends with ORN? Popcorn your pervert!


If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler..


Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.


Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.


If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.


You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.


You never know what you've got until... you clean your room.


Try saying 'Mmmmm' for ten seconds whilst holding your nose, LIKE if you failed.

 

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