When someone tells me I look familiar, I immediately start to panic.

You know what's more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

New rule: if I hold the door open for you and you walk by without saying "Thanks", I am granted one attempt at trying to trip you.

Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn’t it?

Flickering lights? 30% An electric problem. 70% Someone's going to get killed.

They should have cell phone charges in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

I hate when I'm singing and some idiot thinks they can join in with me... this is not Glee.

I hate when cashiers ask "Is that everything?" Uh no, I'd also like all this invisible stuff...

I think I may be emotionally constipated...I haven't given a crap in days.

I don't agree with your opinion, but I respect its straightforwardness in terms of wrongness.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought "Yep, you have a person locked in your basement."